


Dwarves Don't Share

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Arguing, Drunk Dwarves, Gen, Humor, Sexual innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 06:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo really doesn't understand why the dwarves won't share the big and juicy specimen that they all want. It would make things so much easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dwarves Don't Share

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short and (hopefully) kind of funny story that popped into my mind where everyone lived in the Battle of the Five Armies and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around. Comments are always lovely.

The celebratory feast for their victory in the Battle of the Five Armies was well underway as the food was plenty and the mead flowed freely. 

Thorin had been pacing himself with his alcohol, knowing that the returned King under the Mountain needed to act with propriety and decorum, but the rest of his company did not suffer the same burden. They were already entirely drunk and in the middle of a heated debate. 

Poor Bilbo Baggins’s patience was running rather thin from listening to this argument for the last twenty minutes. It started out simple enough. 

“It’s so big!” Fili had stated with awe. 

“Aye, and it looks so juicy too,” Bofur had added. His mouth was practically watering. 

“I just want to taste it,” continued Nori. 

“Taste it? I want to stick the entire thing in my mouth!” Kili vehemently exclaimed, and Dwalin scoffed. 

“You wouldn’t even get half of it in without choking. I could handle it much better than you. Leave it to the grown-ups, lad.” 

And this was where the argument had started, each dwarf saying how much they could fit in their mouth. Bilbo attempted to interject and avoid anymore arguing. 

“Really, there’s no need to stick it all in at once. Taking a little bit at a time would be perfectly fine.” The dwarves looked at him as if he’d grown two heads. Bombur was the first to speak against Bilbo’s egregious statement. 

“Well, I don’t know how it is with hobbits, but we dwarves would have something that amazing all at once. It’s the best way to appreciate and enjoy it!” The others murmured in agreement before they began to argue over who got to have the entire thing. 

Bilbo was quite taken aback by the direction the argument had taken, and he tried to keep the peace. “Why don’t you all share? There’s plenty to go around!” His companions looked positively outraged. 

“Dwarves do not share!” Bilbo shook his head in exasperation. 

“Well, why not? Hobbits love to share these types of things. We will share with as many people as possible. Who knows, maybe you’ll like sharing with each other?” 

They all gaped at him in shock and began protesting loudly. Statements such as “That’s madness!” and “Hobbits must be nuts!” were thrown around loosely. 

“No, only one of us will get that fine specimen,” Oin declared. 

“Well, I should get it because I’m the first heir to the throne!” Fili exclaimed, and he was met with cries of outrage. 

“I’m the oldest, so I should get it,” Balin stated. 

“Beauty before age,” Kili countered. Ori piped up, “brains before brawn,” and Dori scoffed. 

“Well, then that leaves you out, Ori.”

This is how the argument had continued for the past twenty minutes, and Bilbo was about ready to scream. These damn dwarves and their stubbornness. Really, there was nothing wrong with sharing! 

Bard and Thranduil were watching the spectacle in a mixture of amusement, disbelief and bewilderment, while Thorin was merely smirking and sipping his mead. He was just tipsy enough to not be annoyed at the scene but also not drunk enough to join in. 

Finally, Bofur set forth an idea to settle the argument once and for all. “Let’s let Bilbo decide!” Twelve heads turned to look at Bilbo expectantly, and he spluttered for a moment. 

“Now that it quite enough, all of you! This is absolutely ridiculous. It’s just a blueberry pie!”


End file.
